Why Is Self-Esteem So Connected With Body Image?

I had a phone call from a lovely lady at Woman's Hour this week asking if I'd like to contribute to Monday's show on self-esteem and physical appearance. Unfortunately I'm attending the funeral of a close family friend on Monday morning, but I emailed her my thoughts on the subject and I'm reproducing them here.

I think that for a lot of women our self-esteem is hugely influenced by our appearance because we’re constantly told that it’s the most important thing about us. We get bombarded with messages every day that tell us that it doesn't matter how intelligent we are, or how funny we are, or how much time we spend looking after orphaned puppies; none of that matters unless we fit our society’s standards of attractiveness.

We see it in news reports where female politicians are ridiculed for their dress sense, or where the contents of their speeches are ignored in favour of what colour shoes they’re wearing. We see it in sport where female athletes are criticised for not being attractive enough instead of being praised for their athletic ability.

I personally don’t meet the standards of attractiveness that society has set. My self-esteem is very dependent on how I feel about my body for the simple reason that people don’t shout abuse at me on the street because I don’t like The Lord of the Rings, or because I don’t do the washing up as often as I should; they shout abuse at me because I’m fat. I’m always aware of my body and my appearance because people don’t let me forget it.

I've tried to lose weight my entire life and it hasn't worked, so instead of changing my body I’m working on changing my mind. Every time I look in a mirror I compliment myself, I don’t criticise the appearance or clothes of other people, and I’ve started to dress in clothes I like instead of clothes that hide me. Since I started thinking like this my health (mentally and physically) has improved beyond belief.

I still do things like dye my hair and wear make-up but now I do it for the fun of it, not to make myself look younger or thinner. My body is intrinsic to my sense of who I am, and the only person who gets to dictate what I look like is me.

Being Kind To Myself.

*Content note: fat shaming, body hatred, disordered eating, self-harm, ableist language*

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This is a difficult post for me to write. I'm potentially opening myself up to a lot of abuse here, but I think it's worth the risk.

I've had problems with self-esteem for as long as I can remember, probably because I've been fat for as long as I can remember. All my life the people around me have made a big deal out of my weight and their own. My mum has three sisters who were fat* when I was growing up and I have numerous older female cousins who are also fat, and they are always talking about their weight and how to lose it. I was first taken to a doctor about my weight at seven years old; the doctor weighed me, then told me I needed to go on a diet. Whenever I did any physical activity I was praised for it because it would help me lose weight. I was teased at primary school for being fat, one boy told his friends that if he stuck me with a pin I'd pop like a balloon. On the bus on the way home from school one day some older kids got on and one sat next to me. His friend told him not to look at me ''or you'll turn into a retard." I can only imagine he meant that I was so awful to look at that he risked losing his mind from doing so. I was about 9 years old at the time, and the memory still has the power to make me cry.

At high school the bullying continued, and at twelve I started self-harming. I was already constantly lacerating myself mentally, so to do it physically was something of a relief. It stopped the hatred and anger for a while, and I found taking care of the cuts to be soothing; it felt good to do something to take care of myself for a change. When my parents found out they encouraged me not to tell any of my friends, I'm sure because they were worried about how people would treat me if they found out, but it made me feel like I had yet another thing to be ashamed of.

As I've grown older, and especially since having Adam and Jack, my weight has increased, and so have my self-image problems. I now spend long periods of time at home because I hate the looks I get from people. I've had people shout insults from cars, I've had people mutter disgusted comments as they walk past, I've had people follow me down the street screaming abuse at me just because I dare to exist in a public space while being fat.

I've recently discovered the idea of body positivity and fat acceptance, and the revolutionary idea that being fat does not make me less valuable as a person. That sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm serious; I have always felt like I'm worth less than 'normal people' just because I weigh more, and the idea that this wasn't true was mind-blowing for me.

Over the years I have abused my body dreadfully; I've never taken care of it because I hate it so much, and why would I take care of something I hate? I have alternately starved myself for days at a time and stuffed myself with so much food I feel ill. I've stayed awake for 36 hours as a punishment for trivial crap. I've cut myself, burned myself, punched walls hard enough to leave bruises, and I smoked for 10 years all because I hate the body I have.

I'm tired of hating myself. I'm now attempting to be kinder to myself, to try and love myself even if it's just a little bit. Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I make a conscious effort to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones, to replace "Fuck, I look awful. I'm so disgusting." with "Fuck it, I'm fabulous." When someone compliments me I try to accept the compliment instead of dismissing it as an attempt to cheer me up, and I try to believe that the compliment is objectively true, not just something that they believe. I'm trying to eat healthier food, and move around a bit more. Not to lose weight, but because I want to be kinder to myself. I want to take care of the body I'm in, because I'm tired of punishing it for not looking exactly how I want.

If you're the kind of person who abuses people for the crime of being fat, I hope this post has made you rethink what you're doing. Trust me, there is nothing you can say to me that's worse than what I've been saying to myself, and there's no way you can punish me that's worse than the way I've been punishing myself for years. If fat shaming inspired people to lose weight I'd be a fucking size zero by now.

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*I use fat rather than overweight because I dislike the way the word 'overweight' implies that there is a single correct weight. There is obviously no negative association intended in my usage of it.

I have a Pinterest board dedicated to body acceptance here