Equality In Sex Education

Today Andy and I found out what Adam's school is going to be teaching him about sex and relationships, and I've got some concerns.

They're going to start by teaching them about male and female body parts, and which parts you've got if you're a girl, and which parts you've got if you're a boy. Which is great, but not all boys have 'boy parts' and not all girls have 'girl parts'. I know some parents are uncomfortable with the idea of their children learning about this stuff but I couldn't give a shit; children don't find this scary or confusing to learn about, adults do.

I was appalled to find out that this year they are only allowed to teach them about pregnancy, and how embryos grow into a baby. If a child asks them how the embryo gets there they are legally not allowed to answer their question. This is mind bogglingly stupid to me. How are children supposed to develop healthy positive attitudes towards sex when they get told "You'll have to ask your parents, I'm not allowed to answer that question."? It's sending the clear message that there's something secretive about sex and asking questions is the wrong thing to do - the exact opposite of the message that children should be getting!

The teacher showed us part of a video that they're going to be showing the children, and explained that part of it will be edited out because they've had a lot of parents say that they were uncomfortable with their children seeing it. And what awful thing did this video show? It was an animation showing a vulva and pointing out what a clitoris is, and that sometimes it gets hard and it feels nice.

That's all.

Bear in mind that they very next thing shown is an animation of a penis and an explanation that sometimes it gets hard and it feels nice. For fucks' sake people! Is it any wonder that our attitudes to sex are fucked up when we are taught at the age of seven that it's fine for boys to have sexual feelings, but it's deliberately censored when it comes to the same feelings in girls. This censorship of female sexuality is perpetuating the idea that sex is for men to enjoy, and women are just the facilitators for their enjoyment. It feeds rape culture by giving the impression that women don't enjoy sex anyway, and it tells young girls that their natural feelings are wrong and shameful. After all, if they were supposed to feel this way surely someone would have mentioned it like they did with the boys. The whole thing feeds into the idea that girls and women are supposed to be kept 'pure' and 'clean' and 'virginal', an incredibly damaging and dangerous idea.

They won't be teaching the children about menstruation until next year at the earliest, even though they've had a girl in the past start her period in Year 3. Can you imagine how scary that must be? You're 7 years old, maybe 8, and all of a sudden you're bleeding from your vagina and you have no idea why. You're told that it's natural, but how can it be? It must be something embarrassing and wrong and awful, because if it wasn't, surely someone would have told you about it before it happened?

They don't learn about contraception or masturbation until Year 6, and even then contraception is talked about in the context of not getting pregnant, with no mention of STIs. Sexuality also won't be taught until Year 6, but possibly not at all. Yes, you read that correctly. They might not even mention that there is anything to sex other than 'the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina'. I got the impression that sex will also only be talked about in the context of making babies with nothing at all about people doing it because it feels nice.

Anyway, after the meeting I asked Adam's year group leader if there was any chance of putting the edited out part of the video back in, and I swear I thought for a moment that she was going to hug me. I'm the only parent who has ever, in 12 years of teaching, asked for their child to be given that information. She also said that she wishes more parents were as open minded as we are, which was nice. She can't show that part of the video to everyone (unfortunately), but she did say she can show it to Adam separately.

So even though the sex education isn't great, it's not necessarily the school to blame for all of it. Their hands are tied by what they are legally allowed to teach, and by some parents who don't seem to be mature enough to be raising children. At least his teacher seems to be on our side though, and we're talking a lot about these issues with him at home anyway. Adam and Jack are both completely comfortable with the idea of different sexualities and gender identities because we've never treated them as anything to be uncomfortable with, and I explained to Adam what periods are about six months ago.

The whole sex education curriculum needs to be improved, but I unfortunately can't see it happening any time soon.

How I'm Teaching My Sons About Consent

[Content note: rape]

I've been thinking about consent a lot lately, particularly with regards to children. There's a lot wrong with the way our society teaches about consent (e.g. it doesn't), but a big part of the problem is the examples we set, not just parents but anyone who has any kind of interaction with children. How many times have you seen someone tickling a child while the child laughs but also shouts for them to stop? How many times have you heard someone tell a child to give someone a hug when the child has expressed a wish not to? Or seen someone hug a child who is obviously squirming to get away?

All of these issues are matters of consent that we are teaching children about, whether we realise it or not. When you say to a child "Give your granny a kiss or she'll feel sad and think you don't love her any more." you're teaching your child that it's okay for people to emotionally blackmail you into physical contact, or that it's an acceptable thing to do to other people. When you keep tickling a child because you love the sound of their laughter you're teaching them that if you're bigger and stronger then it's okay to restrain someone and do things to them even though they're asking you not to.

As a parent to two young boys I am especially aware of these lessons. Messages about rape prevention are usually phrased as "Don't Get Raped", but I have the opportunity to teach "Don't Rape" instead. Obviously they're a little young for being told about actual rape yet, but there are things that Andy and I do that teach them positive messages about consent.

• If you're tickling someone and they say stop, you stop immediately.
• You ask before you hug or kiss someone, or climb on their lap.
• If someone asks you to hug, kiss, or touch them and you don't want to, you are absolutely allowed to say no, and to enforce that no by pushing them away if you have to. Surprisingly this doesn't mean that they've ended up smacking the crap out of a grandparent for being too pushy with the hugs.
• When they're in the bath we hand them the sponge and tell them they can ask if they need any help. We never wash any part of them without their permission.
• If they ask for privacy when using the bathroom we let them have it, and the same goes for getting undressed.
• We ask their permission before taking photos of them. If they're doing something and we don't want to disturb them we'll take the photo and ask later if they are happy for us to keep it.
• We never upload photos to social media sites without their permission, and we never upload them to anywhere publicly accessible.

Adam and Jack are only young children at the moment so these rules will obviously change as they get older, but they're a good starting point for teaching them that they have to respect other people's personal space. It might sound like our house is devoid of hugs and physical affection, but I assure you that the opposite is true. Adam and Jack are extraordinarily affectionate, particularly Jack, but they know what the boundaries are, and they don't cross them.

At 4 and 7 years old they already understand the meaning of "No" with regards to physical contact, so why the hell do so many grown men have such a problem with it?

Anxiety, And A New Psychiatrist

I started seeing an NHS psychiatrist just before Christmas, and I think she's the first psychiatrist I've seen who I actually liked. So of course, she left and I'm now seeing someone else. I had my first appointment with him last week and it was just awful. I went in expecting a quick "How are you doing? Here's some more medication." but he opened with "Tell me about your childhood."

Fuck.

Nothing makes my mind go blank quicker than a question like that, especially when it's asked by someone I don't know or trust. I stammered out a couple of sentences about it being normal because as I say, I don't know or trust this guy yet, he can't possibly expect me to tell him about the screaming, and fear, and threats of abandonment, right?

He asked what my diagnosis was and when I said Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, and anxiety, he muttered something about everyone being able to fit some symptoms of personality disorders, and some doctors don't really believe in them.

When he asked me about Adam and Jack I started crying. Feeling like a crap mother because of my mental health problems is a big trigger for me, and I hate to cry in front of people, so you can see how much fun that was to go through.

He wants me to do an independence course, art therapy, an online mood gym... It's just too much right now. It sounds so pathetic, but I just want to be left alone. I could probably do one of those things at a time, but just the thought of having to do all of that, and interact with that many new people, is making my chest tighten and my heart race. I know I should be grateful that he wants to help me, and that these resources are there, but I just don't feel like I can manage that much at once. It feels like there are all these people in my life telling me what I should do, and I don't feel in control of it any more.

Things that are making me anxious today:

• My flat is a mess, there is stuff everywhere, and the bathroom smells of cats (I don't have cats, but I do have two young boys with aiming problems).
• We can't afford swimming lessons for both Adam and Jack, so it's just Adam getting them at the moment, and I worry that Jack is going to miss out.
• I have to pick Adam up from school this afternoon because Andy has to take Jack to a birthday party.
• Climate change (don't laugh, the weather is fucked at the moment and it makes me worry about what the world will be like when my kids are adults).
• That I'm fucking up my children just by being their mother.

The Grungiest Carpet You Will Ever See

That right there is what my living room carpet looked like this evening. It's seven years of children spilling food on it, peeing on it, trampling mud over it, and throwing up on it. We've had a rug over it for a while, but the room just isn't big enough for the rug not to get in the way of something or other, so we chucked it in the loft with the rest of the crap we don't use. After having a clean(ish) rug down though, the carpet looks worse than ever, and I just can't take it any more.

When something gets too grungy for even me to put up with, something has to be done about it. We've tried commercial carpet cleaners; the person we paid to do it only charged us half price because he couldn't get the stains out (it was cleaner, just not clean).

A couple of weeks ago Adam threw up in the hall, right after he drank a strawberry and banana smoothie. I was convinced that we'd have a pink stain on the carpet forever, but I dumped a load of bicarbonate of soda (or baking soda for any Americans reading) on the stain, left it for half an hour or so, swept it up and then gave it a scrub with a mix of washing up liquid (I use Ecover), white vinegar, and hot water.* Not only did it get the strawberry coloured vomit out, it the patch I scrubbed was cleaner than the rest of the carpet. Unfortunately I then felt obligated to clean the rest of the hall carpet because it looked so awful in comparison to the one clean spot.

Don't scrub a carpet with a nail brush.
This is a week later and I still have a hole in my knuckle where the blister was.

Seeing as the hall carpet came up so nicely I figured I'd try the same thing on the living room. I'm doing it in parts rather than all at one time, so I started with the worst area - right in front of the sofa.

I actually used a plastic scrubbing brush this time, so no more blisters (but the one from last week stung like fuck when I put it in the vinegar), and it looks so much better now!

You can actually see the line where I stopped cleaning.

It's not spotlessly clean, I don't think it ever will be, but it's a damn sight cleaner than it was.

I may not have picked the best time to do this though. Andy's just called to say he's on his way home from Woodcraft Folk with Adam and Jack and they got so muddy that Jack even has some on his nose. I think I might cry.

*I don't use precise measurements for this 'recipe'. I just use a squirt of washing up liquid and a glug of white vinegar in a mop bucket and fill it just over halfway with water. If you have a carpet cleaner, it would probably be worth going over the carpet with it filled with plain water afterwards, just to give it a bit of a rinse.

BBC 500 Words Competition

(Note: This post is unashamed parental pride. I realise it may not be of any interest to anyone but myself, but I'm posting it anyway.)

This morning Adam decided that he wanted to enter the BBC's 500 words short story competition, so he sat down and wrote a short story. I asked if he minded if I posted it to my blog (because I think it would be a breach of his trust to post it without his permission), and he said he didn't, so here it is. It made me laugh, and I think it's pretty good for a seven year old (but I am slightly biased).

In Search Of The Magic Ring

 I was just about to find my boat when somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I turned round and saw who it was. It was the King! He told me I had to find the magic ring. “What is the magic ring.” I asked.

 “The magic ring has magical powers. We have been trying to find it for ages. I believe in you.” the King told me. “Okay I just have to find a few friends and a metal detector and I’ll be off.”

 I got Nathan, Caleb, Ellis, and a metal detector and we got in my boat to set off through the shark infested water. Nathan held the map, Ellis did the steering and Caleb was on the lookout for sharks. A shark came close to eating us but Caleb warned us and we went on full speed so the shark took a great big gulp of water and we kept on full speed because the shark might want to get revenge.

 When we got to the deep dark forest we were greeted by werewolves so we bopped them on the nose and ran to the red river. We swam through the red river when I got a nip on the toes and noticed there were Japanese spider crabs in the red river. A crab fisherman let us have a go on his speedboat so we clambered aboard.

 We jumped out of the speedboat and ran into the monster cave but the monster was at Sainsbury’s. I got the metal detector out and started to scan the ground. I didn’t hear a ring sound when suddenly I heard a thump and Ellis was lying down on the ground. We asked him “Are you alright, Ellis?” He said “Yes, just a little bump. I slipped on a slug.” He had his mouth open wide, and was pointing toward the ceiling. “The ring, we’ve found it!” Ellis said. We all looked at where Ellis was pointing. There was a ring of plasma floating just above our heads, and the magic ring was stuck inside it. “How do we get it out?” I asked. As soon the words left my mouth Nathan shouted out “I know! The magic word on the back of the map!” I held out my hands underneath the ring and exclaimed “Shambo-Chambo!” The ring fell into my hands, and we shouted altogether  “We’ve found the ring!” We ran to the safe harbour to tell the King and give him the ring. The King tells the town crier to announce that we have found the ring, and the town has a big party with lots of fireworks. Everyone is very happy that we found the ring.

 The End

Dairy Free Rainbow Cake

For his birthday Adam has asked for a rainbow cake covered in plain white sugarpaste that he can draw on with edible pens (like this one from Sweetapolita) and even though his birthday isn't until July I thought I should have a go at making it now so I have time to tweak the recipe if needed.

The recipe I used was originally a three layer chocolate cake, but I replaced the cocoa powder with extra flour and split the finished mixture into 6 parts rather than three. I've found that the most accurate way of doing this is to weigh the mixing bowl before you start, then again when you've added all the ingredients. Simply take away the original weight of the bowl and divide by as many layers as you want. In my case it worked out to 138 grams per layer. Once you've got the cake mix divided into separate bowls just add a different food colour to each bowl. For this to work properly you have to use the paste or gel food colours. The liquid ones are too runny to get a really vibrant colour. The ones I used were Sugarflair colours.

Tangerine and Christmas Red

Melon and Party Green

Ice Blue and Grape Violet

The colours of the cake mix will be pretty much the colour of the finished cake so make sure it's as bright as you want it.

Recipe:

100g dairy free margarine (at room temp)
260g caster sugar
2 eggs
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda (baking soda)
a pinch of salt
215g plain flour
160ml rice milk or other dairy free milk
20cm (8 inch) round shallow tins, greased and bases lined

Preheat your oven. I set mine at Gas Mark 3 (170C or 325F), but because the layers were so thin I think it probably should have been GM 2 (150C or 300F) and baked for a bit longer. Remember to weigh your bowl before you start too, it makes separating the mix so much easier.

Cream together the butter and sugar. Beat it on a fairly high speed for about 5 minutes until it's light and fluffy; it may take a minute or so longer as it's margarine instead of butter.

Add the eggs one at a time, beating thoroughly after each.

Turn your mixer down to slow and add the vanilla extract , 45 grams of the flour, the baking powder, bicarbonate of soda, and the salt and beat until well mixed. If you try and do this with the mixer still on high you will end up with a fine film of flour over everything in your kitchen. Trust me on this, turn the mixer down!

Add half of the remaining flour, all of the milk, then the last of the flour. Mix well until everything is combined.

Now you've reached the fun part! Weigh out your mix into six bowls (you did remember to weigh the mixing bowl before you started, right?) and colour each bowl differently. Add each colour to a different tin (I only had two tins so I had to do mine in batches) and bake in the oven for 25 - 30 minutes. I baked mine two layers at a time, one on the middle shelf and one below it but off to one side. Once the top tin finished I moved the bottom tin up a shelf and had to bake for a further ten minutes or so. Bear in mind that once they're baked the outside of the cake layers might look a bit ... funky. Don't worry, the inside of the layers will be the correct colours!

Once all the layers are baked and cooled it's time to assemble your cake! I used a really simple buttercream icing for mine (125 grams dairy free margarine, add 400 grams icing sugar and beat well. Add 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, beat until smooth and creamy) It's a slightly off-white colour because of the margarine, but it would probably work fine if you replaced the margarine with vegetable shortening. I needed two batches of this icing, one for between the layers and a crumb coat and one for the top coat and swirls. I probably have far too much on though because I actually ran out of icing towards the end.

Oops.

Put your first layer on the cake board or plate, cover with a layer of icing, place the next layer on top. Repeat until all layers have been added, and apply a thin coat of icing all over the cake as a crumb coat (to stop crumbs getting into your top layer of icing). Refrigerate the cake while you make up the next batch of icing to let the crumb coat firm up.

For the outer layer of icing I added a little more on top on the crumb coat and then used a number 8 PME star nozzle to pipe swirls all over the cake.

I did have some problems with this cake. The layers were very thin, so they went rather hard and crispy round the edges and I ended up having to trim them. I think next time I make this I'll use one and a half times the recipe, or possibly even double it. If I double it, I'll keep the temperature at GM3, but for one and a half I'd probably turn it down to GM 2 and bake for a bit longer.

The important thing is that it tasted great, crispy bits and all, and Adam is already looking forward to his birthday cake!

Lego: organising and storing

Everyone knows that unexpectedly standing on Lego hurts. It's therefore a massive pain in the arse that the stuff resists organising. No matter how much space you devote to it, it still ends up overflowing onto the floor and rattling up the vacuum cleaner. Despite knowing that I was fighting a losing battle I spent the week or so after Christmas sorting and organising Adam and Jack's Lego collection. I haven't bothered before now because it was only Adam collecting it, but when they got five Lego sets between them for Christmas this year I knew I would have to do something about it.

I really wish I had taken photos of how it looked before, but I don't have a great capacity for public humiliation so it's probably a good thing I don't. They had two of these boxes from Ikea full to the brim, which obviously meant that the pieces kept falling out through the handle holes, and a slightly smaller plastic box also full. Their instruction books were stuffed in another box and getting ripped and lost, it was just a giant mess.

The first thing I did was to sort the bricks, mostly by colour. I put all the red bricks in one box, green in another, blue in another.

That was when I realised that I didn't have enough boxes for every category that I wanted. I ended up mixing black and white, yellow and orange, and dark and light grey.

Photography skillz: I has none.

I still didn't have enough boxes. Dammit. I ended up putting the rest of the bricks into separate plastic bags in the top of the boxes as a temporary solution.

In case you're wondering how long it took me (us actually, Andy and Adam helped. Jack mostly got in the way) to sort all this, we did seven hours the first two days and three hours on the third day. Yes, 17 hours of nothing but sorting Lego bricks. It's a good thing I don't care what my nails look like at the moment. (A word of advice on the nails thing. If you're going to do this, wait until after you've finished sorting to trim your nails. I did it after the first day and couldn't separate any bricks afterwards.)

It took about a day to realise that the plastic bags would have to be a very temporary solution when the bag with the pink and purple bricks leaked into the red box. I decided that I'd have to use bags because we simply don't have the space for any more furniture in their bedroom, so I figured I'd make some drawstring bags. People who actually know me in real life may be laughing their asses off right now because I don't do sewing. Seriously, I don't think I've ever even sewn on a button before (shut up, I know that's pathetic.) So, after yet another trip to Ikea (I think 95% of our stuff comes from there) to get a sewing machine and some fabric, and a quick read through of these sewing tips for beginners I started to make my bags.

The first thing I learned was to sew the channel for the drawstring before sewing the sides together. Once I got the hang of it they really didn't take very long. Of course they're not perfect but I'm pretty pleased with them.

I said they weren't perfect. At least this goes on the inside.

Ignore the dingy carpet. Please. It's gross.

Andy very kindly did the drawing on the bags to show which bricks are inside.

The last thing to do was organise the instruction books, which I did by putting them in plastic pockets in large ring binders.

So my floors are now Lego free and I can walk around barefoot again. I'll let you know how long it lasts.